Book Review: Conversion to Judaism: Choosing to Be Chosen by Rabbi Bernice K. Weiss

I'd be lying if I didn't say I came into this book with a lot of...cynicism? I mean, really, this is the cover:

Conversion to Judaism: Choosing to Be Chosen: Personal Stories by Rabbi Bernice K. Weiss with Sheryl Silverman

And each chapter starts with a clipart graphic of a bouquet. I wish I were joking.

I couldn't help reading this book from two different angles. One from today and one from 10-15 years ago, when this Jewish stuff was all still new to me. No lie, I have a lot of cynicism, born from bad experiences and the many friends and acquaintances I've seen struggle post-conversion. But at the same time, I would have loved reading this book early in my journey because I was starved for personal stories.

Maybe today we're drowning in person stories (or at least pieces of them), especially on social media. I've had Facebook for the entirety of my Jewish journey, but it just wasn't used that way for many years. Things were different back in my day! Get off my lawn!

Despite everything I'm about to say, most of the stories are pretty pedestrian and about what you'd expect. I do think it's interesting that a lot of the stories, maybe 1/4, involved a very fraught upbringing, often abuse. Some very serious abuse. My personal experience suggest that abuse survivors of all kinds (including myself) are probably disproportionately represented in the conversion community. As someone told me once, it takes a lot to reject how you were raised. It's easier if you want to reject it already or you've already rejected it. Once you've done such a major rejection/emotional disengagement, it's less hard to do again. That makes sense to me, but maybe that's just me. Maybe the author could have addressed the high rates of abusive parents, since someone without my experience might find it odd. One story in particular was very extreme and today would probably be labeled with a warning. I felt blindsided by it. And it was the last story, so it was a very disturbing place to end. Left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

Though I'm not wild about this book cover, it's an accurate representation of the book and its goals.  This is a book of about a dozen stories that is almost entirely couples where one partner converted during engagement or after marriage to a born Jew. They end up in every movement, and I did not find this book to be biased for or against any movement (though certainly aimed at the non-orthodox community). 

Since I spend every conversation about conversion trying to explain that marriage isn't the only reason people convert and that many of those people actually lose their partner in the process, I wish the title were reflective of its emphasis on marrying couples rather than presenting a title that implies "this is only what conversion to Judaism is." It confirms every single bad stereotype. I get this book is trying to do good things and might be good for relevant couples, but I also feel like things like this make my life harder by justifying the harmful stereotypes and judgments, even before they open the book. Many of us come to Judaism because of a Jewish partner. I did, though he checked out pretty quick and I didn't meet my husband for almost another decade. But my journey was my own, and no one is served by symbolizing conversion with a wedding given these widespread and pretty hateful biases.

The book is written by a liberal movement rabbi (she doesn't specify a movement), and she's very clear that she does not pressure anyone into converting. Each Jewish partner states the same. But guys, she founded an organization called The Washington Institute for Conversion and the Study of Judaism (apparently it still exists!). Could any spouse walking into that building or coming to her website really believe, "I have no vested interest in their converting. However, if they choose it (almost all do), I will arrange it for them." (That's really in the book, as are many other statements about her disinterest in the outcome.) It's ok to have an agenda here. It's ok to say you want to help people build Jewish families, whether or not both parents are Jewish. It's ok to say, "I hope you convert, but I know it's not for everyone. I'm just here to help you make an informed decision or help you raise Jewish kids even if you personally don't want to convert." Especially since so many of the profiles go into detail about how they think raising kids with two religions is actively harmful to children with no one taking the opposite stance, I assume that's her position too. That's a perfectly acceptable position to take, but take it. Don't pretend you're disinterested.

Also, can we take a minute to discuss how strange it is that the Foreword was written by the Deputy Secretary of the Treasury? Weird foreword name-dropping in a book about converting to Judaism sounds familiar. That said, at least this Foreword is on-topic and not antisemitic-sounding. It's just not who I would have found relevant. 

Likewise, I saw so many red flags that weren't identified as red flags, and I think that was... less than helpful. A Japanese woman and a Black woman both had profiles, and the writer interviewed each of them about "fitting in." I didn't see an explicit reference to racism. I'm white, but I know that I have heard more than enough stories from Jews of color about issues they face in our communities, and I think it's irresponsible to not warn people that racism can and does happen. This book was published in 2000, but this rabbi has worked with hundreds of couples as of the time of writing. Did she really not know that racism in our communities (and many batei din) is alive and well, and these women didn't feel like they could share it? Is it possible she found only two people of color and they really never had issues? I guess it's possible. 

Further, I think it was irresponsible to not have a single case where the conversion process ended the relationship. That is incredibly common, and many (most?) people decide to continue the conversion. This happened to me, more than once!, and it has happened to many other people I know. Sometimes it's just too much for the born-Jew, and it's not what they're interested in. One person becomes very excited while the other begins to go in another direction. It might happen early in the process or it might happen the week before the mikvah. This is so common and so underdiscussed. It's not exactly the thing people want to share over Shabbat dinner, so many conversion candidates feel isolated and like failures when they shouldn't.

In another red flag, I think I saw the beginning of someone's divorce. A woman converted while married to a non-Jew and now feels like it has created a huge gulf in her marriage to not be married to a Jew. And the story just stops there. It felt invasive to read, especially to be left on a cliffhanger like that. Such a negative and hard struggle to face, left without comment by the author. I wondered how much her husband knew about this internal struggle that was now being published to the world. This was some great RealBooking, as we middle-aged folks say (cross-reference the conversion breaking up couples above comments), but I don't think it should have passed without comment from the author to put it in perspective. I'm glad this was included, it just seemed thrown out there and left on the table.

Then the worst red flag of all. This one story was presented as beautiful and great. It was not. "I made the decision to become a Jew; this is the path I chose to pursue. I feel like I'm converting not for Rob, but for us, for our future family.  I felt it would take a toll on our relationship if I didn't.  He would be very disappointed. This means a lot to him, I know it. He's very appreciative and supportive." RED FLAGS ALL OVER THAT. 

18 years after publication, either that woman is divorced or is a passive-aggressive martyr. Unless they're one of the few people who started really badly and successfully corrected course mid-marriage.

I have two young children, and I'm around a lot of other mothers in real life and on social media. There is so much pressure, especially in a perfectionist high-achieving professional woman like this one seems to be (and especially in the 90s "Power Feminism" phase), to sacrifice ourselves at every turn for our family, and that our needs are always "unfortunately" mutually exclusive from the family's needs. Being the perfect wife, the perfect mother, requires absolute self-negation in our society, and that is what this profile felt like. When it doesn't work (and it won't), we blame ourselves. We should try harder. We should be less selfish. We could have done more, given more.

It continued into more red flags: "I don't fully think of myself as a Jew yet. I'd say I'm in limbo right now, like the man without a country. I think when I formally convert it will really hit home." I am going to be the bearer of bad news: that is unlikely. Most people don't feel hit by the lightning of life purpose coming out of the mikvah, even those who find the mikvah a very beautiful and meaningful experience (and many, like myself, didn't find it to be beautiful...either conversion). 

And it continues a little further down: "Sometimes when we're in synagogue, though, I wonder if people know I'm not Jewish yet, that I haven't converted yet. When I'm there, I'm more apt to say "Hi," not "Shalom." That kind of thing might give me away. But I think I'll feel differently when I go through the conversion process." I don't know anyone in America who says Shalom instead of Hi, but I'm sure there could be people who do. Hi is perfectly acceptable. Maybe she's thinking of Shabbat Shalom?? I cringed in self-recognition and pity at "that might give me away." After all, helping you avoid that feeling is exactly why I created this blog. Because I felt like that, and there was no need for people to keep feeling that way. My mistakes (and yours) could save others from making the same ones!

But here's the real lesson: don't count on a mikvah dip to suddenly make everything feel "right." Maybe it will. Usually it doesn't. And that's ok. It's not a sign that you made a bad decision or weren't ready. Most people never get a sudden "I MADE IT." It comes slowly, over time. Some of us will probably have Imposter Syndrome until they day we die at 120. I wish she had been told that. I want to make sure you know that.

Doesn't the author know these are huge red flags? Instead, the author makes some pretty annoying (to me) statements in the introduction to the story: "She really loves him and will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work [because she knew Judaism is so important to her fiance]."  She goes into detail about her rigorous work schedule, traveling between California and Mexico for months at a time, doing her classes each week by phone: "She could have decided that it was just too much of an effort, but she didn't. She did her assignments, and she and Rob went to services together (she found the places to go). I admire her for that. I have no doubt about her sincerity. The investment of her time is the indicator of her commitment." But her commitment to what? Sounds like she's really good at emotional labor already and is willing to sacrifice a lot for a goal. That doesn't tell you what the goal is. The goal may simply be to marry Rob and live a perfect Instagrammable life. She reminds me of many high-achieving professional women I've known, ones who will pull all-nighters and a lot of other unhealthy things to remain "perfect" in school or work. I think just about all of us feel the pressure to be perfect, but it's the people who can get close to perfect who are the most harmed by it. Mediocre people like myself give up or pretend they're countercultural and don't care about perfection. (I still care, for the record.)

And speaking of the perfectionist drive to please others rather than consider her own wants and needs, she chose her Hebrew name because it was the name her dead dad wanted to give her but her mom vetoed it in labor. "Now my father will have his wish. He'll have his Rebecca." I honestly shivered when I read that. This was just a creepy way to say it.

Very interestingly, in her profile, she actually asks him whether he would consider Christianity if he wants her to consider Judaism. He said no. "I felt I had to ask this question, even though I already knew the answer I would get. It has to do with the desire to preserve the Jewish people. It's very important to Rob's family that he carry on the Jewish tradition. I kind of shrugged my question off. If I had pressed Rob on it, I doubt we would be where we are today. I simply asked the question, got the answer and moved beyond it." 

Then this profile goes into how the future-husband's family is orthodox but forgot to mention to him until after dating this woman that because he's a kohen he can't marry a convert according to orthodoxy. He says he was shocked and surprised. Though because of this, I learned that the Conservative movement (what his family was when he was growing up) allows kohanim to marry converts (I knew the Reform movement did). My annoyance at this isn't with him or his family, really. Or even those rulings. It's at the larger issue that the Reform and Conservative movements "protect" their children from halachic positions they have rejected but other movements still hold by and that may affect their children. Patrilineal descent is my usual soap box here, but apparently now I need to add kohen-convert marriages. If you want to hold by patrilineal descent and allow kohanim to marry converts, that's your decision. But don't fail to prepare your children for this to come up later. when they come across Conservative and Orthodox Jews. All it results in is a 20-something year old crying on a Birthright bus, or in an Intro to Judaism class, or in a Jewish studies classroom, or in a meeting with a rabbi because he just found out that many Jews don't consider him Jewish. It is your job to prep your kids beforehand and give them a framework to keep things like this from destroying them. This man was not prepared for a completely predictable heartbreak that could have completely severed his relationship with Judaism, which I've seen happen more than once. /rant

Cynicism aside, let's get back to an actual book review. The underlining in this book could have been written by me a decade+ ago. Whoever it was, the underlining clearly favored every story detail that could be put on a to-do list. I could hear the question echoing: "Where do I start? What should I do?" Cooking dinner for Shabbat, attending a community seder, not driving on Shabbat... this person just wanted a clear path forward. This book doesn't provide that path forward (that's not its purpose), but it gives ideas. But mostly, it can help people imagine their own journeys. 

I guess this is a very long way of saying I don't know whether I can recommend this book or not. I know some people are starved for such first-person accounts, and I know I jumped all over getting this book as soon as I saw it. But is it worth the downsides? Probably not, but I'd still read it if I read this review because that's the kind of person I am.

And Now for Something Completely Different

And now for something completely different than yesterday.

Something fun! A holiday parody!

In all seriousness, this is one of the best adaptations of a song for a holiday that I've ever seen. Maybe just because I love Queen, but definitely worth a watch!

And if you're looking for some interesting new latke flavors to try, check out these 5 Vegan-Friendly Latke Recipes! Mozarella stick latkes, Indian latkes, Spanish latkes with chipotle mayo, Greek latkes, and Chinese 5 spice latkes!! 

Being a Maccabee Is Harder than It Sounds

Chanukah...a celebration of the courage to fight our enemies. 

It sounds so much nicer on paper. It is not nice in real life.

I have always taken self-defense seriously...on paper. I never actually followed through on getting an education in it, not even a basic class when we had one every few weeks on my college campus... 15 years ago. Maybe I thought it would feel too real. Spoiler alert, that's exactly how it feels. (To be fair, I have taken a gun education class, but that was focused on "hunter safety." Human safety is a different beast.)

I was taking self-defense more seriously in the wake of #MeToo (especially given my own experiences with it) and trying to find something, then the Pittsburgh shooting happened.

So when I saw a shul offering a self-defense class, I jumped at the opportunity. Even better/scarier, it was a self-defense class specifically about active shooter scenarios. I figured it would be an hour about where to run and places to hide.

It was not.

So I put my babies to bed on a motzei Shabbat, and went to the class.

It was two hours (2.5 in the end) entirely about how to disarm someone with a gun if running and hiding is not an option. 

The first thing we learned was a basic move to build upon: someone holding a pistol (a handgun) to your chest. First, you move out of the line of fire then move to disarm. In the struggle, it is almost a given that the gun will shoot because they'll squeeze harder to try to hold on to the gun. 

A thought occurred to me as I watched, so I raised my hand: 

I have little kids, and when they're scared, they hide behind me. When I move out of the way, it will put at least one of them right in the line of fire. 

His response was less than reassuring (paraphrasing because I can't remember the exact quote):

She may get shot. But maybe the rest of you won't.

He later spoke about how many people survive one gunshot, even many. He reassured(?) us that if it's our time to go, it's our time to go, but that if Hashem is going to make a miracle, it will be using "derech hateva" - the laws of nature. It's our responsibility to do our part, and he's right, and that's why I took the class and why I'm going to take another one.

But I saw the angle we were working with. For my 2 year old, that angle went right to her head. When I move out of the way and make that gun go off, the bullet is going right at my daughter's head.

That's why, as a Jew, a mother, a lawyer, a human being, (and as someone who has volunteered in a domestic abuse shelter), I support common-sense gun control. We regulate freedom of speech, to a degree that I think the average person doesn't think/know about. I'm tired of shuls being shot up. I remember the multiple Jewish preschools and schools over the last few years that have been shot at. I remember Sandy Hook. I remember Parkland. My shul had a lockdown drill this Shabbat. We've had a member-based security force for a while, but now we're adding armed guards. I previously belonged to a shul that was firebombed about ten years before I attended. I take the rise of hate groups and hateful people seriously.

Governments should be a social contract, where we come together to sacrifice some possible rights for the greater good so that we can have the largest number of rights, but that our rights end where another person's rights begin. The absolute failure to treat the Second Amendment like every other Amendment, treating it as though it cannot have any limitations even when it encroaches on the rights of others is ridiculous. These what-about arguments to change the topic to "he could use knives or cars" or mental health or something else are a smoke screen. Don't let other people do it. The discussion is about guns, what guns can do, and that the lack of gun control in our country allows them to kill lots of people in a minute or less. In Las Vegas, the gunman shot over 1,000 bullets in 10 minutes. We can't stop all mass murders, but we can sure lower the number of people they kill and increase the possibility that law enforcement can arrive before he finishes. This isn't a hard question, it is an epidemic of violence and murder, and it will only get worse as these hate crimes continue to grow thanks to the emboldened alt-Right neo-Nazis. There is clearly bipartisan majority support on at least some measures, and something would be better than nothing. 

Contact your representatives and tell them you support common sense gun control because you don't want another Pittsburgh. (What to expect when you call a Congressmember and a sample script for speaking to them on any issue is included here.) Our lives depend on it. My children's lives depend on it, and I just saw that in the most visceral way as I spent hours role-playing and visualizing how my self-defense actions will almost certainly result in my toddler being shot. Sure, she could be shot anyway by a madman, but it's different to know that I'm physically taking an action that will expose her to certain harm instead of possible harm. Our nation has lost its mind. This is not what "the land of the free" should mean. Whose freedom? Where's my freedom to attend shul and raise my children as Jews?

Happy Chanukah! And Go Check Your Smoke Detectors. Now. I'll Wait.

Chanukah starts today, a very early Chanukah this year. 

So I hope you enjoy hearing "Happy Hanukkah!" from every Tom, Dick, and Harry for weeks after Chanukah, until December 26! I used to correct people, but now I just accept it with a smile and move on. I guess you mellow out as you get older?

To give you a pre-Chanukah smile, please find attached one of my favorite Jewish memes. I feel like this at least a few times a week, and I bet many of you do too. 

As some of the Ashkenazim say, Freilichen Chanukah! I don't say that because I can't pronounce it. But I can write it (with the help of a Google search to get the spelling)! 

Ain't no shame in using the term you're more comfortable pronouncing, and that means I stick to Happy Chanukah! Or sometimes Chag Sameach, but that's never felt...right...to me. Right or wrong (my understanding is that different people come to different conclusions), "chag" feels like a day with yom tov restrictions. It feels weird to call Chanukah a chag, even though it is...but not really because it's different but... Maybe it's just the lingering effects of my childhood Christmas hatred. I'd rather skip Chanukah altogether sometimes because it's become so closely tied to Christmas in American culture. 

Well, I started this post to just share a couple light-hearted funny thoughts, and instead you got a load of my baggage. Yep, that sounds like Christmas to me.

Enjoy some fried foods tonight, and check your smoke detectors before you light the menorah! 

Can You Help Me Update the Resource Pages?

It is beyond time to update my links and blogroll pages. Can you help? What are your favorite online Jewish resources, Hebrew resources, conversion blogs, and anything else you think would be useful to a conversion candidate? Just drop them in the comments below!

The internet is a very big place, as I'm sure you've heard. Together we can make a better resource than I ever could alone!

Thank you!! This community is so big, and I know we can help each other get the best available info!

To the internet! 

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Book Review: Mommy Never Went to Hebrew School by Rabbi Mindy Avra Portnoy

The title really speaks for itself, right? I couldn't NOT get this book.

I've owned it for years, and it never fails to make me guffaw. This is the best possible title for a book on this topic. It remains one of my favorite books in my (ginormous) book collection.

But in all seriousness, it's not a bad book. It may not be useful to you, but there are definitely people who could benefit from it in certain ways. And you too can own it used for only $2 (plus shipping) on Amazon! It doesn't appear to be in print anymore, but there are about 25 used copies for sale right now.

Yes, it's 80s-rific (published in 1989). Yes, of course it's about a woman who converts for marriage who comes from a nominally Christian family ("Presbyterians to be exact"). Yes, of course she's blonde. Yes, of course it doesn't tackle patrilineal descent or having born-Jewish family. Yes, of course it overlooks issues of race in both content and illustrations (minus one or two background, black and white drawings who might be people of color). Yes, of course there's very little diversity in any sense.

But it's also a good explanation of conversion for kids. Not kids as young as mine. But maybe yours. No book on a topic this big with this many variables will fit everyone, unless you write your own. (Please write your own. We need more books on this topic.)

AND YOU GUYS. IT HAS THE MIKVAH. AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF A PERSON WALKING INTO A MIKVAH.

It also mentions the main character learning that his friend's dad is "Jewish by choice" (in case you love or hate that phrase) and a friend who converted as a baby after adoption. It even brings up a big question important to kids: "Last week, when I didn't feel like waking up for Hebrew School, I told mom I shouldn't have to go because she didn't have to when she was little. I thought it was a great argument. But mom explained to me that she used to go to Sunday School classes at her church, and that she had to wake up even earlier."

On non-Jewish families: "Mom knew that becoming Jewish was an important decision, so she talked it over with her parents. They agreed that even though they might pray in different ways and celebrate different holidays, they could still love and respect each other." That may not be your experience with your family, but that's a great lesson for your kid to hear moving forward.


Is this acceptable to orthodox people? Depends on your hashkafah. Not every male character is wearing a kippah (including the main boy), and there's nary a black hat in sight. All the rabbis are male, even though the author is a female rabbi. All the women are dressed in tznius-friendly ways as best as I can tell from black and white line drawings, minus the obvious exception of the toweled-back in the mikvah.

Will I read it to my kids one day? Yes. It doesn't totally track my own experience, especially since I come from an atheist family and converted as a single woman, but the core concepts are there. It's an excellent background resource and conversation starter for myself. Maybe not for you. But now you know it's out there if it's something you might be interested in!


There are very few books out there about conversion for kids. Which ones have you read, and what did you think of them?  

New Jewish Movies Available Online!

Welcome back to the real world, post-chag! Do your co-workers and classmates still remember you?

I bet you have so much free time in those hours you've previously been spending prepping for yom tov each week. Sure, you could spend that time catching up on real life or learning Torah... or you could brush up on your Jewish pop culture! After all, at least half of becoming orthodox is learning cultural cues and shared history. You can only people-watch at shul events for so long before you seem creepy, and it's helpful to rewind and rewatch parts and words that confuse you. They can also be good lessons in what NOT to do. Jewish pop culture also helps you build your Jewish vocabulary and shared cultural knowledge. Being able to "get" jokes and cultural references sounds insignificant compared to an eternal soul, but it can often be a big part of whether you feel connected to your community or like a frustrated outsider. The little moments of disconnection and confusion add up quickly and destroy morale. Hence the entire purpose of this site!


This week I came across some surprising new Jewish offerings on Amazon Prime's video listings! I "cut the cord" on cable after moving out of my parents' house all those years ago (simply because I couldn't afford it at 18), and I've never gone back. It's one of the better life decisions I've made, in my opinion. I never would have read or learned as much as I have if I'd continued with my TV-watching habits of my teen years! It was a problem.

But that doesn't mean I'm completely screen-free now. I tend to be very open to pop culture in my hashkafa (Jewish philosophy/approach, for lack of a better definition), but others aren't. Many of us ebb and flow over time. So if you're someone who still watches movies (and I find this is the norm for people who visit this blog and for large sections of the orthodox community - not always openly admitting it), have I got some good ones for you! Free! Well, if you have Amazon Prime. (If you don't have Amazon Prime, I highly suggest trying the 30 day free trial! I've been a very happy Prime member for over 6 years.)

For all that free time you have, here are some movies to watch! 

Fiddler on the Roof! Ok, this isn't new, but I think it was newly added and it's a classic of both the Jewish world and secular theatre. If you haven't seen it, you should. I worked in theatre for a decade, and I was fortunate enough to see it performed once in person and saw the movie once years ago. I had honestly forgotten how funny it is, and especially how the casting for Tevye is one of the best in cinema, in my opinion. 

Fun fact: Fiddler was directed by Nathan Jewison. Who is not actually Jewish. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP. 

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Yentl! Also a classic, starring Barbara Streisand as a woman who masquerades as a man in order to learn. It's been a very long time since I've seen this, so maybe I'll make time for it sometime soon!

Disobedience. Now here's a very new one. It's...complicated, and people have widely differing opinions on it. But if you're like me, I'll watch anything Jewish, especially when I was newer to the community (for all the educational reasons I describe above). It's just like how I spent a lot of law school evenings watching Law & Order. I love "catching" what the creators did right or wrong. The premise of Disobedience is that a woman (played by Rachel Weisz) leaves a chareidi British community and comes back after her father, the Rav, dies. She ends up rekindling a romantic relationship with a female friend who stayed in the community (Rachel McAdams). This is NSFW.

#ProTip: Something that particularly confuses American audiences: apparently it's a common British frum thing to wish mourners "may you live a long life" ("Chayim aruchim"). They say that approximately 500 times in Disobedience and I'd never heard it before. I thought that was just my own ignorance, but Facebook conversations showed this was a common reaction. 

Some of the older offerings:

Marvelous Mrs. Maisel! A non-orthodox Jewish family in 1950s Manhattan, where the title character becomes a single mother and turns to stand-up comedy as a career. It is really NSFW. The new season is coming, but a release date hasn't been announced yet.

Transparent! A father is trans and decides to transition, which turns her life and family upside down. The family is non-orthodox Jewish, and a reform rabbi plays a major role in their lives. The fourth season centers around a trip to Israel. I'm very conflicted with this show. I hate pretty much all the characters because they're just awful selfish, hurtful people. But it's also one of the best-made TV shows I've ever seen. I can't look away.

If you're into marginally-Jewish TV, the new season of The Man in the High Castle just came out, an alternate history where the Nazis won WWII and run most of America (Japan controls the Western states, and Germany and Japan are in a Cold War). Likewise, there's Valkyrie, a dramatization of a real plot to kill Hitler. I try to avoid watching anything with Tom Cruise, but you may feel differently.

And if you still have time...

And then some movies I haven't seen yet and didn't even know Amazon had until I began digging around tonight!

Mendy. The story of a Brooklyn Chassid who leaves his community. I've heard that it's good.

Srugim! I'm really shocked Facebook didn't tell me this. It's all the rage.

The Little Traitor. A "coming of age" tale set around the founding of the state of Israel. Based on a novel by Amos Oz. I'd never heard of this movie, but all signs point to it being decent.

Menashe! Another one I'm shocked I didn't hear that I could watch for free! This is a very new, very popular movie.

Exodus! Another classic, about the founding of the state of Israel. You might be surprised by some of the actors.

Do you know of others?

I have to admit I'm pretty disappointed that Amazon's offerings are very Askenormative/Ashkenazi-centric, but I don't know enough about Jewish and Israeli-available-in-English cinema to know whether this is a chicken or an egg issue. If you know of any others legally available for free (from any site), especially non-Ashkenazi offerings, please share them in the comments below! 

Pick Up the Orthodox Union's Magazine this Chag for Stories on Conversion!

Going mainstream, y'all. Before digging into the details, I just want to say it's nice to see conversion as the cover story in something as mainstream as the free magazine you pick up in shul to read when you need a break from davening on the chagim (I've heard people read them at home too, but I've seen a lot of magazine reading in shul on Yom Kippur...)

Settle in for a short novel. Let's discuss this.

If the synagogue you're attending is a member of the Orthodox Union, you should find these magazines out on tables in the foyer or otherwise stashed somewhere nearby. 

It's funny how much of the "debate" I've seen has been about the choice to use the phrase "Jews by Choice" on the cover. It's such a polarizing term, usually one associated with non-orthodox spaces. The converts I've met seem to either love or hate the phrase, with few in the middle. Personally, I hate the phrase, but I also think there are worse things to call us. A friend summed it up well by sharing that she heard a story that Rebbi Nachman described converts as being "vomited out." That's an accurate statement, at least in my case. Choice? I mean, sorta. But it sure didn't feel like a choice because I felt so compelled. 

As you might expect from a mainstream source intended to be light-but-uplighting reading during the holidays, this isn't hard-hitting journalism and exposés. I get that. 

Article 1: Jews by Choice by Barbara Bensoussan

This is the human interest portion of our tour: profiles of different converts and their experiences.

There is one amazing quote I really enjoyed: "Secondly, Stein would also like others to understand that she didn't simply crawl out from under a rock when she became Jewish; she had been a worthwhile person in her non-Jewish life, with valuable experiences and knowledge. And now that's she's frum, she's well-educated in Judaism and doesn't need to be shown the basics. 'I've been frum for thirty years,' Stein says. 'I know how to check lettuce [for bugs]! Yet some folks still think I need to be instructed.' " 

The same person also has a very problematic quote. I totally get what she was trying to say, but I think the nuance will be lost on most of the people who read this: "Stein's oldest children are already of marriageable age, and she finds that the shidduchim suggested to them are often other geirim. 'Why should my children marry a ger?' she says indignantly. 'My children are frum from birth! Why should they have to be subjected to the same outsider status that I experienced!' " I get her point. I really do. (Assuming she actually does mean it in the "judging favorably" way I'm thinking.) Shadchanim have a tendency to not understand or like anything outside the box, and to throw anyone outside the box at other outside-the-box people without actually caring what those differences are. You're different, they're different, I'm sure you'll be very happy together even if those differences are completely unrelated. Some even think they're being kind: "I like feeling understood, so I should set you up with someone I think will understand you." When the only factor being considered is that one, somewhat random quality like conversion or BT status, race, ethnicity, national origin. In short, many shadchanim are simply not good at their jobs, even when they're not being motivated by overt prejudice (as some certainly are, especially when conversion, BTs, or race are involved). We want to be seen as complete individuals and matched that way. Too many matches are just plain lazy and thoughtless, if not cruel. 

Super important issues glanced over but at least they were mentioned? Racism, anti-immigrant sentiment, lack of family support that most members of the community can count on, being cast out of your family of birth. I can't say I know a lot, but I know more of some of these stories in the article, and this was soooooooooooooo watered down. Whether that was a choice of the interviewee (which is absolutely understandable and legitimate), the interviewer, or an editor, I don't know. And of course, happy endings for everyone!!1! 

The thing that really got to me about this article is the lingering feeling that it was written solely to "real Jews" who are interested in converts and find them fascinating and exotic. I felt like the article was written about me to introduce me to people, not with the understanding that I too am part of the audience. The lumping together of BTs and converts (which is appropriate in many instances in conversation) made me feel like this article was written solely for FFB people. It's a little thing, and something I'm sure the author didn't intend, but the tone of the article made me feel like an outsider, not an insider. 

Article 2: Loving the Convert by Rabbi Yona Reiss, A Big Deal in the conversion world

This article will probably be shocking reading to many of you, and particularly to many who are not connected to conversion. The whole first half is a laundry list of the limitations on converts, which are a bit hard to swallow in our American meritocracy, and they were presented like everyone already knows about them. For example, he mentions a ruling that says "a convert can even be appointed rabbi of a synagogue if the community members all agree upon accepting him to serve in that position." Even? I feel like a lot of people will read that sentence and be very confused: halachic sources say a convert CAN'T be a rabbi of a shul?? After speaking with a lot of FFBs over the years, people have no idea that this is out there, that converts can't be placed in positions of "authority." And they get pretty angry when they find out! (I'm always so relieved and thankful when they get angry.) That when Yeshiva University's rabbinical school opened, there had to be a ruling to allow converts (men only, of course) to enroll. Because if they aren't allowed to be a rabbi, how could we let them study rabbinics? It was eventually decided they could enroll because converts as rabbis can be teachers. (Of course I can't find a source for that at the moment, but if you know one, please drop it in the comments below!) 

It also details how most believe converts can be Presidents of a shul, so long as he cannot make unilateral decisions without the Board's approval. Most people don't realize this ruling/debate is the one that leads to why women "can" or "can't" be shul Presidents, which is most famous as a ban on female Presidents in the Young Israel organization of synagogues. Because if a male convert can't, then surely a woman can't! Of course, there's a lot more that can be said on these issues, but that's above my paygrade unless it's a Shabbos afternoon and there's wine and snacks involved.

Just reading the first two pages of this article set my heart racing with anxiety, thinking of all the self-appointed conversion experts we're all going to have to face in our communities now, empowered with this knowledge that converts aren't allowed to do a bunch of things, even though they can't remember exactly what but it's definitely something they need to make sure they tell you about. I'm not kidding; I'm taking deep breaths over here to calm myself. Knowledge is sometimes not power; half-knowledge is often used to oppress and intimidate.

Overall, this article didn't feel very loving. It felt like "love gerim, you're commanded to. But these are all the ways you're required to make them feel less-than. But they're very special people." That's not the author's fault, but I feel like the halachic system should have handled this better over time because many feel like the result of prejudice rather than something Hashem commanded. I get kind of hung up on "There shall be one Torah and one law for you" (Numbers 15:16). 

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One very astute statement that was too underplayed by the author: "Ultimately, the trajectory of  a convert [toward more or less observance], like that of each member of the Jewish nation, can go in either direction, but much depends on the love and support he or she receives from the community.  On some level, 'it takes a village' to raise up a convert."

What it should have said: Bad treatment by the community is the number one NUMBER ONE NUMBER ONE reason converts go off the derech. I have met so many people who felt forced out of the community because of cruel and/or indifferent treatment, especially in the areas of racism and shidduchim. Sometimes loving Gd isn't enough. You cannot be orthodox without a community, and too many people have moved too many times and still came up short. Anyone who says "it should be enough to love Gd! Suck it up! Get your priorities in order!" is almost certainly part of the problem.

Article 3: Up Close with Abby Lerner, National Director of Conversion Services for the RCA's conversion system, by Yehudit Garmaise

Lerner is the newly-hired ombudsman-like person for RCA conversion in America. If you have any questions about a questionable situation or behavior you encounter, please contact her at the contact info on this page. I don't know how effective this position can be given that it also has a power-dynamic issue, but it's certainly better than the nothing we had before, and I believe they mean well and are trying their best.

Honestly, I really like this article overall. It was the most practical, down-to-earth, and honest piece of the three. I recognized myself several times in the article, and I think many of you will too. Is it perfect? No, but it's a very good introduction to several pain points that the average community member should consider, and it gave some actual tips like stop talking if you find yourself wanting to say, "What interested you in Judaism?"

Thing briefly mentioned that I think should have been made more explicit for the readers: the fact that many "geirim" should also qualify as "baalei teshuva" and have never affiliated as anything but Jewish. If a THIRD of those approaching the batei din have Jewish roots (a statistic she mentions), then we need to recognize that maybe there are subgroups of converts that have different needs. I suspect most of that third are patrilineal Jews. She goes into more depth about Hispanic converts who may be descended from Marranos, and while that's a "sexy" topic people like hearing about, we really need to recognize the BT-converts differently. (I am not one of those, so that's not me being biased in favor of the "specialness" of my own experience.)

A Bigger Problem Oversimplified

A larger issue that popped up repeatedly and is not as simple as presented: Stop pestering converts. Love them (what does that even mean? There's a question they should have considered in depth). Here are two quotes to show what I mean:

"A convert is Jewish now and part of the community. Treat them as Jews and love them as anyone else" - Rabbi Appel in Article #1.

Describing how a convert described the inappropriate questions people asked, Rabbi Reiss says, "This is not acceptable, either on an individual level or a communal level." He also says, "It is important to underscore that one who has undergone a valid conversion procedure is every bit as Jewish as one who was born Jewish. One of the key discomfitures that converts face is being questioned about the validity of their conversion." Then it goes into detail about that questioning, meaning when they're maternal descendants try to get married, etc. [Most of us are more immediately annoyed by the questioning now, over Shabbat tables and shul membership applications.]

But these quotes are completely missing the point. Every person at a Shabbos table who questioned my conversion has always defended themselves with the assertion that they "need" to know whether my conversion was kosher or not. They certainly won't bother me about it again once they know I'm "legit." It's just a one-time ask! Multiplied by a few hundred nosy nellies. In theory, the question would be fine if it came from people who actually need to know my status: the mesader kedushin, a mohel, for example. Others can be discussed on a case by case basis, but really very, very few people have any need to know my halachic status, much less who the rabbis were or especially to demand to see the paperwork.

A current example many converts are struggling with in online groups: when shuls ask for proof of conversion to verify it before allowing a convert to become a member and have the privilege of forking over $1-2k. Schools too. Every American shul and Jewish school I know takes a born Jew at their word that they're halachically Jewish when they check the right box on the form. If I check the "convert" or "child of a female convert" box, I have to prove it, and they'll probably call the rabbis to verify I didn't fake the document or something. Because someone's cousin's brother's wife knew a guy who did. Until and unless my born Jewish husband is asked for his proof of Jewishness, I'm not providing mine. If born Jews are taken at their word, converts should be too. Until the random guy who just showed up one morning isn't given an aliyah without his Jewishness being confirmed (which is actually a halachic issue if he's not halachically Jewish), then there's no need for mine to be verified. Every shul I've ever attended has (rightfully) offered any visiting man an aliyah, without even knowing his name or why he's in shul that day. If they can make that guy feel welcome and like a valued part of the community, they can do the same for me.

This is all a much larger issue that we can discuss at another time since this post is already a novel, but the point needed to be raised. They should have said, "you don't have the right to ask someone their status. Full stop. Those who have the right to ask that are few and far between, and it's almost certainly not you." Instead, this feels like permission to say, "Well, this only applies to 'valid' converts, so I need to verify they're legitimate." Too many people feel it is not only their right, but their obligation, to verify our status. And that is wrong. So wrong. And it drives people off the derech. Given the stories I've heard, I don't blame them one bit. 

"Oh, You've Got All Those Days Off!"

Ah...the fall chagim. When everyone (including you) eventually starts to get tired of hearing, "it's a holiday again." This is especially problematic in the school and workplace. 

When you become an orthodox Jew, you suddenly have a lot of holidays. Holidays that involve you not working, not driving, not answering your phone or emails, not coming to class, not coming to the office for the important meeting. 

And it gets awkward.

(It can get just as awkward with Shabbat, but the holidays are more likely to conflict with secular schedules. Everything said here can be applied to Shabbat as well. I once had to reschedule a Saturday exam, and the administrator actually said to me, "We have lots of Jewish students and no one has ever asked for an accommodation." As though I were making it up. I went on to make many problems for that administrator, and she eventually stopped being visibly annoyed. I later learned this helped smooth the path for a later student, so I'm slightly less bitter about it.)

Funnily enough, I've found that, in general, it's less awkward when your co-workers/teachers/whoever aren't Jewish and are clueless. When it's all new to them, it's interesting and exciting, and they have no preconceived notions about it. They have lots of questions! The trouble comes when someone else has an opinion about the holidays or too many holidays happen in a row (like in the fall). It can even make some Jewish friends or colleagues defensive, afraid that you're judging them for not celebrating the holiday like you do. (Hopefully you aren't judging them for that! a) it's not your place and b) if you wish they were different, wishing they were different is the worst way to go about inspiring a change.) 

But either way, your holiday schedule is almost certainly going to inconvenience you professionally sooner or later. And it will certainly inconvenience others around you too. This is most strongly felt during the fall chagim: Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot. By the time you reach Sukkos, someone will say, "Ok, Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur are printed on my calendar. Are you just trying to get more days off?? What do you mean you have two more sets of holidays off?? You just had off several days!" 

If my math is right (Hebrew calendars and my brain don't always get along), you would need seven business days off in September 2018, spread over four instances. That's a LOT, from an employer's (and client's and teacher's) standpoint. In colleges, you could literally miss a once a week class for an entire month - I've done it. More than once. It is rightfully stressful to have to request those days off for many employees and students, especially in a society that doesn't understand having religious days totally removed from everyday life.

And inevitably, someone will comment about how relaxed or lucky or jerkish you are to "have all those days off." Like they're a vacation. 

Oh ho ho. Little do they know. As you've probably figured out by now, Shabbat and holidays can be relaxing, but often aren't. And even the relaxing ones aren't relaxing in a vacation sense. There's getting up early to go to synagogue (no sleeping in!), davening for a few hours, getting lunch put together (especially if there are guests), entertaining guests, more davening, maybe a class or even more davening, dinner, entertaining the dinner guests if you have them. Yes, all these things are nice, but I would never compare them to sitting on a beach in Tahiti with a daiquiri.

But your colleagues (and potentially even clients) will.

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They (usually) just don't have a frame of reference for such a highly ritualized, communal religion. And assume that you probably do catch-up work in the evenings and get out of the work that went on while you were gone.

And they'll wonder why you're so stressed out when you come back to the office. They won't understand all the enormous prep that goes into making a holiday, the stress of putting your outside life on hold (and many of us mentally never fully do), getting through the holiday itself, then the enormous cleanup, go back to work, catch up on work while also doing the new work coming in, and knowing you're going to have to repeat the whole thing next week. It can be incredibly stressful, and your colleagues may be (understandably) annoyed with your special circumstances while simultaneously annoyed that you don't seem to be appreciating all the "vacation" you're getting at the inconvenience to others.

But vacation days. Oh, vacation days. Those days you're using up to take off work for your holidays (if you even get vacation days in this insane American workforce). That's right. Especially if you're a student, you may not have thought about this. Many (most?) of my friends use up almost all their vacation days, and sometimes even a sick day or two, to take off work for the chagim throughout the year. They literally don't get a vacation, especially in a year like this, when almost all the chagim are business days. Their coworkers conveniently tend not to notice that part. And it's not healthy either that so many people in our community don't get proper vacations to sit back from their work, a very necessary mental health and productivity need. I think this is a big factor in the high rates of entrepreneurship we see in our community, as well as businesses that target within the orthodox community. It makes it a lot more likely that your time off work won't inconvenience your clientele and might allow you to take a proper vacation. 

Of course, this is all a worst case scenario view. But if you work outside Jewish communal organizations, you'll probably encounter it at least once or twice. While it's not pleasant, I hope you're remember that their point of view makes perfect sense if you're not familiar with living this kind of ritualized religious life. Be patient and kind and try not to take it personally. If our roles were reversed, I'm sure I'd feel the same way.

And that's this year's Elul message: be patient with the people who are impatient with your never-ending holidays.


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Word of the Day: Hefker

Hefker is a "term of art" in the Talmud, as we say in the legal world. That means it's a word with a very precise meaning that may not line up exactly with how it's used colloquially; not a word to throw around lightly. You mean exactly what it says. For instance, trespassing has a very precise definition under state laws, as does contract, fee simple, and adverse possession. (But we don't always use it that carefully.) 

For a dry legal term, you'd be surprised how often the word "hefker" comes up in everyday conversation. Really.

Thankfully, hefker is an easy word to pick up. It just means something is ownerless and thus is open to being owned by whoever claims it first. Finders keepers. Whether something is actually "ownerless" is where things get more complicated (but not usually too complicated). 

Just finding something on the ground may not be enough to call something ownerless. You need to consider whether you can find the original owner and how practicable that is. If you find a dollar bill on the ground at the Fourth of July Parade, you can usually assume that dollar is hefker. You don't have an obligation to ask everyone on the street if it's their dollar (but that doesn't mean you can't ask if you have the time and inclination - you just have no obligation to). But if it's $100, maybe you need to make an effort. On the other hand, if you find it on the floor in another person's home, that item is not hefker until proven otherwise. What if you were back at the Fourth of July Parade, and you found an item with a name written on it? Or something unique or nearly-unique?

As you may guess, this is highly fact specific. You have to approach each situation independently. In other words, use your common sense, and if the situation is complicated, ask your local rabbi for guidance. (Of course, time is sometimes of the essence, and you do the best you can with the information you have.)  Once you determine that you can't assume the item is hefker, knowing how much effort and what kinds of effort you need to make to find the owner is a totally different hill of beans. 

Even if you're newer to orthodox speech, you may find this an easy and useful word to add to your vocabulary. Listen closely and see how long it takes for you to hear the word hefker in conversation! 

What's the strangest hefker item you know of? Here, the biggest hefker thing to enter my life would probably be my cat, who was abandoned and came to me as a foster kitten 15 years ago. 

"Aren't You Hot Wearing All Those Clothes?"

Ah, summer. When perfect strangers start getting very "concerned" about your clothes if you dress in a tznua way ("tznius" is the most common way to say that, but that's technically the wrong grammatical form - it's about time I used it correctly on this blog). This happens to both men and women, though it's much more often aimed at women since people really feel some right to quiz women about what they wear or don't wear...but that's a different discussion. 

Look, it's not easy to dress in a "modest" way in the heat of the summer. (I hate to say "modest" because I wish there was a better word for it. I've seen women cover every inch of skin and not be modest at all, and I've seen women wear average American clothing in a very modest way. I don't mean here to advocate a certain level of clothing for either gender, just speaking about the experience for what is commonly done, whether you personally think that's right or wrong based on halacha or custom.)

But getting back to the subject...

In all honestly, it's not much harder than dressing in less clothing, in my experience. Yes, it's much harder when you start, but I think that's at least as much psychological as physical. You develop a case of the "grass is greener." I'd be so much cooler if I were wearing shorts and a tank top! And then you dwell on how sweaty you are and how hot it is, and the discomfort compounds.

But would you really be that much cooler in a tank top and shorts? Past a certain temperature, probably not. You'd still be hot and sweaty, and any difference is only a matter of degree. You can tie it to the age-old question: would you rather be hot or cold? My stock answer has always been cold, because you can always add more clothes. When you're hot, you eventually run out of things to take off.

Over time, perhaps you adjust physically. I can't be sure of this, but that's been my own experience (and yes, at least part of that is probably changed expectations). I began dressing part-time in skirts and sleeves while living in Charleston, SC...a humid subtropical climate. I went full-time while living in a hot dry climate in northern CA. I've never had a cool summer. But I wasn't cool before switching my clothing either. I worked outdoors in South Carolina, and it was brutal even in shorts. All things considered, I was cooler dressing with skirts and sleeves...because I had an indoor job.

How much time are we spending outside today? How often are we even exposed to hot temperatures in summer? Most of us only go outside between buildings and parked cars. We have air conditioning and heat inside the cars and buildings, and we're exposed to the elements a very short amount of time. That's also a different discussion, but we should be practical about how relevant this question actually is. (A different different discussion would be that most indoor environments, particularly offices, are insanely cold and women usually require jackets or sweaters even in high summer.)

While my experience is that of a woman's, I see similar concerns for men: adding tzitzit under your shirt, which some communities hold must be made of wool, is no joke. Even the cotton or linen tzitzis shirts are still a whole other layer to potentially make you hotter (or think you're hotter). 

For those of you who are outside, as I now am a great deal, I can only tell you this...you figure it out. It's not that bad, considering I'd be hot no matter what I'm wearing. You take common sense precautions that I want everyone to: stay hydrated and know the signs of heat stroke and make sure your loved ones do too. Do the best you can. You're probably going to be sweaty no matter what you do.

Fear of the heat shouldn't hold you back from making clothing changes you want to make. When in doubt, remember the big black robes of the Bedouin! If they can do it in the desert, surely I can wear full-coverage clothes in American suburbia.

So the real question is... 

What's your favorite comeback when the stranger at the post office says, "Aren't you hot in there?" 

Controversy You Should Understand: The Calls to Boycott Barkan Wine

An interesting controversy has hit the media this week that might be confusing to you, if you're new to the orthodox community. The Israeli wine maker Barkan was outed as moving their Ethiopian-Jewish workers out of the parts of the wine process where they might touch the wine. It turned out this was a requirement of the kashrut agency they recently switched to, in order to appeal to a more chareidi (ultra-orthodox) customer base. And it turned into the latest battleground of the on-going saga of "Who Is Really a Jew?"

If you're new to these parts, there's a whole lot to unpack here.

Being a little glib, I can't help but think of the great name of a Facebook group: There's A Lot To Unpack Here, But We Should Burn The Whole Suitcase Instead. (That group is not for the faint of heart.)

Let's start with the most basic part: kashrut agencies oversee and can investigate everything a company does in order to make sure the product the business makes is kosher, from the ingredients to mechanical processes to financial records. They are a private organization that the wine company hires and must submit to if they want to have the certification. It's take it or leave it.

Since two Jews equals three opinions, there are many holdings on kashrut that can differ from organization to organization. People "hold by" some certifications and call others "unreliable," for any number of reasons. They won't eat or drink most or all of the products certified with an "unreliable" hechsher. (For example, some people might eat pareve items from a particular hechsher but not their meat or dairy items.)

Different communities call different hechsherim "unreliable." There is no central list that you as an individual should adopt. You should ask your local rabbi what is acceptable in your community and follow that. And even that isn't perfect. Some hechshers are perfectly acceptable by the same person in one location and not in another. I know of people who will hold by a certification within the country of origin on vacation but would not hold by it if bought from American shelves. If you want to dig deep into kashrut politics, there are many crazy stories about who will hold by what and where.

Sidenote: To be fair, part of the crazy of kashrut agencies is because their customers can also be a little nutty sometimes. For example, personally, I don't like other people in my house during Pesach because I have heard so many people explain why they don't ever eat out during Pesach...they feel no one will ever meet their standards and sometimes freely offer up examples of homes they felt weren't kosher enough. Whether it's right or wrong, I am very self-conscious of people judging my home during Pesach and prefer to sidestep the issue altogether because I value my mental health and don't need the drama. All this is to say that kashrut as a whole is kind of crazy sometimes and agencies must take customer crazy into account; the problem isn't just the agencies, though the agencies have had some very serious issues both halachically and legally. This policy did not develop in a vacuum. Customer perceptions of Ethiopian Jews (or the agency's assumptions about customer perceptions) were very likely a big factor here. This is almost certainly not a problem with one or two rogue rabbis within the organization.

In order to be "reliable," the customers must trust that the certifying agency can make the company conform to a certain set of halachic standards. Shockingly, this is open to abuse. Many people in the orthodox community are cynical about the kashrut industry and the power it can hold over companies and communities. Extortion, corruption, bribery, internal politics, actual political deals, failing to follow their halachic rulings and allowing treif products into the market, revenge...many accusations start flying when someone brings up an issue with a kashrut agency (*all* kashrut agencies get accused, in my experience). The power dynamics are skewed heavily in favor of the kashrut agency as a general rule. I don't doubt that there are many good people working within kashrut agencies and doing their best, but as a whole, it's hard to deny that kashrut has historically been a "dirty business," as I've heard many describe it.

Now for overseeing wine specifically. Wine is subject to some of the strictest halachic standards in Judaism, and probably the strictest in kashrut. At issue here, non-Jews cannot touch wine, generally interpreted as open wine (I've seen some apply this to closed wine, but that seems uncommon). Once a non-halachic-Jew has touched the wine, it is trief; no good, prohibited, banned. On paper, this also applies to a Jew who doesn't keep Shabbat, but I've seen very few people mention this, much less hold it as the standard for a bottle on a table.

One Barkan employee described his experience allegedly "treifing" up some wine:

“Once I touched the wine, and the [kashrut] supervisor ran over to me and smashed the bottles right in front of me,” one Ethiopian Barkan employee told Kan.

In fact, we created mevushal (cooked) wine precisely to guard against these issues, outside a winery of course. (The most confused I've ever been on Shabbat was at a Chabad shul kiddush where all the wine was non-mevushal. There were 3 conversion candidates present besides myself, plus most of the congregation was not shomer Shabbat. Only allowing mevushal wine seems like it should be par for the course at a Chabad shul, which specializes in reaching out to people who are not currently shomer Shabbat. I was shocked and perplexed, and the wine was treif within two minutes but no one seemed to know or care.) If you're in the process of converting, you need to understand mevushal and non-mevushal wine. If the wine is not mevushal, this is one time you will need to reveal your conversion candidate status somehow so that you don't accidentally treif up the wine. It gets really complicated really fast. Oh btw, this all applies to grape juice too. And is an issue you need to be aware of at every meal and shul kiddush you go to. Super fun, amirite? 

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Now to the Ethiopian employees of Barkan. Ethiopian Jews, called Beta Israel, have a fascinating history, and I can only give a very short introduction here. I highly suggest learning more about their history and current circumstances in Israel. This group had been cut off from the rest of the Jewish people for a very long time, until the Israeli government did secret air lifts to save them from religious persecution by the Ethiopian and Sudanese governments and bring them to Israel in the 80s and early 90s. This is an embarrassingly superficial description, since that's not our point here.

No one in religious (or Israeli political) leadership was sure how to confirm whether these people had an unbroken halachically Jewish line, since halachic status is very important in many areas of Jewish law. Many people argued that they should be converted, either because they believed the Ethiopians were not really Jewish at all or that their status was too difficult to determine with certainty (I think the distinction in intent here matters, but some people don't). In the 1970s, the Israeli government, the Chief Sephardi Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, and the Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi Shlomo Goren decided that the Beta Yisrael qualify as Jewish and thus could get Israeli citizenship under the Law of Return, which does not itself require halachic Jewish status. While the two Chief Rabbis ruled that the Ethiopian Jews were halachically Jewish, the Israeli government (which I presume means the Rabbinate?) required many (most?) people to get geirut l'chumrah, a conversion in case of doubt. Aka, just in case. You can read more about geirus l'chumra here. (Spoiler alert: I'm generally not a fan of geirus l'chumrah.)

But lots of Israelis still get all uppity about the Jewishness of Israeli Ethiopians, whether they converted or not. There was and continues to be intense racism against Ethiopian Jews in Israel, and much of it is cloaked under "they're not really Jews anyway, they don't deserve to be in Israel in the first place." Even those who converted. 

Apparently Eda Haredit, Barkan's new certifying agency, agrees:

“Due to our commitment to wine lovers who also keep kosher, [Eda Haredit] is even more careful about wine production by those whose Jewishness is in doubt,” the group said in a statement.
The Eda Haredit inspector supervising Barkan confirmed to Kan that he does not allow most of the Ethiopian employees to touch the wine, explaining that the private organization “is not willing to accept Ethiopians.”

They do not hold by the Chief Rabbis' rulings and have decided these people's status is uncertain whether or not they converted.

And that is why this story is particularly important for conversion candidates to understand. Whether or not someone thinks of Ethiopian Jews as a whole or individual Ethiopian Jews as converts, this situation shows conversion denial on top of the racism involved (racism and conversion denial often go hand in hand, btw). It's important that so many people are willing to ignore or deny conversions they don't like. The normalization of the idea that some conversions are valid and some aren't even when performed by the same agency, the Rabbinate, is unacceptable on multiple levels. You must understand that no conversion is ever "safe" from questioning by people with bad motives (or simply bad middos). Stop looking for the bulletproof conversion because it doesn't exist, and it never will so long as we accept conversion denial as valid discourse. No one should ever pick and choose conversions to accept. If you want to deny all conversions from a particular beit din, that's a different discussion.


Back to the story. Edah told Barkan that Ethiopian Jews cannot be allowed to touch wine, or else it will become treif. And can you imagine how many ways you might accidentally touch wine or a vessel holding it in a winery?? Barkan began transferring Ethiopian employees to other parts of the business. Some early reports said they were fired, but that doesn't appear to be the case. Barkan went out of its way later to say that the transfers did not harm the employees' livelihood, which was nice of them I guess. 

In the initial story, the CEO of Barkan was recorded discussing this new requirement: 

“I am in a very uncomfortable situation regarding the kashrut,” Barkan CEO Gilles Assouline can be heard explaining to the Ethiopian worker in the recorded phone call obtained by Kan.
“Because of the kashrut, I need to transfer Yair (another Ethiopian worker) to a different work station… so that he won’t be next to the doors touching the filling [containers],” he said.
“Everyone has their values, and I have mine, and you are a Jew, he’s a Jew and I’m a Jew. But, at the end of the day it’s business, and business is business,” Assouline told the worker.
“We can’t leave this market for [rival winery] Teperberg. They are taking over this market and we are going to be in trouble because of it,” he added.

As you can imagine, people are pretty angry about these comments.


The current Sephardi Chief Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef decried this requirement by Edah as "pure racism." In fact, he sounds pretty woke:

“There is absolutely no explanation for this kind of requirement [to ban Ethiopian Jews], except for pure racism. Ethiopian immigrants are unquestionably Jewish. The real question is whether we can rely on a Kashrut authority which likes to think of itself as being strict, but engages in ‘whitewashing’ and [behavior that amounts to] shedding the blood of other Jews, just because of their skin color.”

(He's not actually woke... he referred to African-Americans as "monkeys" in a sermon back in March and said he was just using a Talmudic term. Maybe he views American non-Jews differently from Israeli Jews?)

I haven't seen a statement by the Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi or the Rabbinate.

My hot take: why the outrage against Barkan? Where's the outrage against Edah HaHaredit? That's the boycott you should be having if you want to boycott something. I may not like what Barkan's CEO said, but he's not wrong: if he wants to stay in business (and keep these employees employed), he feels he needs this certification, and he has to do what the certifying agency tells him even if he disagrees and even if he thinks the request is in violation of halacha. And this is the argument that everyone makes against kashrut agencies when they get all worked up at Shabbat lunch: agencies using their power over companies to make them do things that are questionable morally or ethically or even legally.

Boycotting Barkan doesn't solve the problem. It deflects from the problem and punishes one of the victims of a broken system. (As always, some victims are less sympathetic than others, but I do not doubt that this CEO was pushed against the wall on this issue; if nothing else, it's incredibly inconvenient and costly for him to move the Ethiopian workers and train replacements for them - I think he would have done this long ago if he honestly believed in this ruling. I believe it was only done because of Edah.)

Quickly, Barkan announced that workers would be returned to their jobs. I didn't find anything about whether they would continue to be certified by Eda HaHaredit or whether Eda would change their own policies. So as far I can tell, the problem continues, and we should not be lulled into complacency by such a temporary victory against one business when the agency itself continues to hold businesses to such a policy that is racist and against halacha. 

Safety Alert! Avoid Rabbi Ephraim Bryks

In the interest of safety, I advise all of you to avoid any contact with Rabbi Ephraim Bryks as part of your conversion. There are reports that he may be trying to work with conversion candidates through his privately-created beit din and even runs a mikvah out of his home. 

Conversion candidates are at an extreme disadvantage in the power dynamics between a rabbi and a layperson even under the best and most honest circumstances, and that leaves a lot of room for charlatans to take advantage. Mr. Bryks has been accused repeatedly and credibly of pedophilia, molestation, and sexual assault and harassment. You can read more here: Malky Wigder Alleges Sexual Harassment by Rabbi Ephraim Bryks

Rabbi Yosef Blau at Yeshivah University is the hands-down expert on sexual abuse allegations in the orthodox community (I've met him and discussed it with him personally, and he does fantastic work for our community) described Mr. Bryks thusly about a decade ago and reconfirmed his assessment recently:

Ephrayim Bryks has become a rabbinic marriage counselor. The term marriage counselor or life coach can be used by anyone. He is not the only “rabbi” suspected of sexual abuse using one of these titles to access vulnerable individuals or couples both here and in Israel. Consulting actual professionals is expensive and unless the community publicly warns against going to these charlatans (often worse) many innocents will continue to be hurt.

I trust Rabbi Blau. And you know I have a hard time trusting rabbis after being let down or actively harmed several times.


And as a general reminder, remember to listen to red flags. If something seems off, it might just be off. Ask someone you trust, and trust your gut. You are in an inherently vulnerable position (whether you're male, female, adult, or child), and that makes you attractive to all the wrong people. Gdwilling you should never face such a person, but you should always be aware of the danger and act accordingly. Be cautious and make people earn your trust. 

Word of the Day: Melava Malka

Shabbat is over. It's Saturday night, Motzei Shabbat! You've probably eaten 4 meals in the last 25 hours (dinner, maybe breakfast, maybe kiddush at synagogue, lunch, dinner again - we say three meals are halachically required, but your body also counts breakfast and kiddush and any snacks in between.)

You look famished. You should eat some more. After all, with that Shabbos nap, you're going to be awake until 2am anyway. 

No really. 

Eat again. Preferably greasy pizza. But this isn't for your own benefit, you're doing this solely for the sake of heaven. Right? 

Melave Malka means "escorting the Queen," as in escorting out the Shabbos Queen as you would walk a Shabbat guest to the door after lunch. It's intended to extend the Shabbosdik feeling into the less-holy hours that aren't Shabbat and in a way, it also helps you transition back to the rest of the week more smoothly. 

Thankfully, it's a very casual affair, and it may be used as the platform to build a motzei Shabbat social event at your local shul or Jewish organization. 

My research (remembering that I am not very fluent in original texts) seemed unclear what its status is: is it halacha or a very strong custom? Is it a custom that should be treated as halacha? These are thorny questions. My research seemed to suggest that it is a very strong custom that one is encouraged to do. I laughed at this characterization on Halachipedia: "Even though many aren’t careful about it, a Yireh Shamayim (a G-d fearing person) should make an extra effort to keep it." (I'm probably just too jaded for those kinds of statements anymore. #BadMiddos) But everyone agrees that the things actually done at a Meleveh Malkah are custom and widely variable. 

Interestingly, there is no Melaveh Malkah after yom tov (though apparently the Chazon Ish did). I think some people do just out of habit without realizing this, especially the insane pizza store lines after Pesach is over.

There are no rules here; it's all custom and probably a little whatever works for your family that week. And not everyone does it, and even those who do it...don't do it all the time. It may be that a person gets hungry (especially on early winter nights) and just calls dinner or a late-night smoothie run a Melavah malkah even though it isn't eaten with any special intention to be such. Many people simply say they can't stand to eat anymore. They may even be physically uncomfortable. Whether these perspectives is right or wrong depends on your posek, but this is an accurate description of what I've seen people do.

Another interesting side point: in my research for this post, I came across several mentions that it's a common practice to light two candles at this meal to mirror the Shabbos candles. Personally, I've never heard of this, much less seen it done. Your mileage may vary. If I came upon this unawares (aka before today), I would have looked very confused and wondered if I'd wandered into a time machine back to Friday night. 

A common minhag is for the meal to be dairy, and among those who do so, it is a very common thing to eat pizza. Preferably greasy pizza from a pizza shop (an ice cream store will do in a pinch). I don't know how this came to be, but that's what it is. In all honesty, since so many people believe halacha requires all three Shabbos meals to be meat and/or want those meals to be meat, I'm not sure how so many people are capable of eating dairy on a Saturday night, especially the people who hold 5-6 hours between eating meat and dairy. But obviously they make it work, judging by the lines outside pizza shops on Motzei Shabbat. I never was very good at math.