Someone at the same life stage.
- Young singles (“young” depends on your community)
- Older singles (again very community-dependent)
- Young marrieds (who usually don’t have children)
- Married without children (once you reach the age yentas assume you’re having “problems”)
- Married with children (and the different age levels, of course!)
- Empty-nesters
- Retirees
Someone your own age.
A parental-like figure of the same gender.
A family with kids still at home.
An easy way “in” is to babysit for the family, if you have the time and inclination. However, be careful that you’re not exploited or made uncomfortable by this arrangement. You should be paid like any other babysitter, unless you’re offering it as a birthday present, other specific gift, or as bartering for tutoring or cooking lessons, whatever. You can offer a reduced rate if you like, but make sure the boundaries don’t get too blurred. I have seen several family-candidate relationships sour when the family exploited free babysitting or tried to use the candidate as a convenient Shabbos goy to do things they can’t halachically do. One of the stories that made me saddest was a friend who was looking hard for meals one week. Finally, a family she was close to called her up late on Friday, and she thought they were offering a meal. In reality, the eruv was down, and they wanted her to come over and push the stroller to shul. A conversion candidate is trying to live a shomer Shabbat life, so using them as a Shabbos goy is disrespectful of them and of the process itself. It’s very difficult to stand up for yourself in these kinds of situations if you encounter them (they are relatively unusual, thankfully), but perhaps mentioning the problem to the local rabbi or another community leader can help address the situation. They could even offer a community class on the laws of “the Shabbos goy,” which are actually very complex and interesting (and useful!). However, I dream of the day when a Shabbos goy is only used in an emergency situation, not for someone’s personal comfort.
vafsi ode says
I am an FFb and am struggling with putting up with all the garbage in the orthodox world you are a mentor of sorts to me on how to wade through ortho craziness in a sane manner
Thank you for your excellent posts
Kochava says
I'm sorry you're in such a position! It doesn't have to be that way, regardless of what most of our communities say. I'm nothing special, but I'm glad you find some value in what I say Stay intellectually honest and questioning because I think that's part of who Gd made us to be. If I can ever help or you just want a open-minded friend, get in touch.